


ephemeral

by playmaker



Series: liminal spaces [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, and slightly implied suicidal thoughts, and while it isnt explicit it may unsettle some, in their own way, or an implied attempt, please be aware the rape/non-con is a flashback
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 20:05:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13015155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playmaker/pseuds/playmaker
Summary: Andrew Minyard was not better.He was getting there, maybe, but the process often felt like a staggering and clumsy waltz of one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes, recovery felt less like recovering and more like coping.(Andrew Minyard wanted to heal, but more than that, he wanted to hurt.)





	ephemeral

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jewelsofnight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jewelsofnight/gifts).



> so... instead of polishing up chap 3 for in the shadows, i wrote this! this entire work was inspired by a lovely comment on solivagant from [theworstworry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theworstworry/profile) who mentioned wanting to see a scenario in which andrew started/was the cause of tension between himself and neil, and i really wanted to write something like that!  
> however... this kinda ended up more like a study on healing feat. andreil... yikes  
> i wrote the whole thing kinda like solivagant where the ending was only implied and the tension was wholly unapologetic, but my heart wasn't hittin' it w that one, so i rewrote it and this happened?  
> also, the tenses switch a couple times like in the last one; it seems to be a bad habit of mine lmao  
> so.... with all that being said, i hope you still enjoy!  
> (p.s. i listened to [somebody you found by the japanese house](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhllP8QkRg8) a lot while writing this)

It starts like this: Andrew Minyard is nineteen. He is not okay, but he wants to be. He is not in control of himself, but he wants to be. He is not important, but he wants to be.

Yes, Kevin needs him. Yes, he is still protecting Aaron and Nicky. Yes, he is playing Exy because it is more appealing than only existing.

His first thought when he met Neil Josten was: _Oh. Oh, now this could be a problem._

Andrew had enough problems, and with Columbia, he hoped to be rid of one.

(He ignored the nagging part of his brain telling him no, no Neil Josten was not a problem to get rid of. He was one to solve.)

Despite his best efforts, Andrew Minyard was still alive, and despite his best efforts, Neil Josten stuck.

He stuck even when he left.

Andrew Minyard had the habit of convincing himself of things that even in their honesty, still weren’t entirely true. _The possibility of possession means nothing but the certainty of loss._ It was a mantra, repeated like a prayer to a God Andrew didn’t believe in every time all the edges of Neil softened when he was with Andrew.

Andrew asked Neil on the roof: _Yes or no?_

 _Say no,_ he demanded silently, angry with himself for hoping.

Neil says yes, and Andrew falls. _The possibility of possession means nothing but the certainty of loss._

Despite everything, Neil comes back again and again. Eventually, he stays for good.

 _Finally,_ Andrew thinks before he can smother the relief.

 

* * *

 

 

Andrew’s foundations crack like this: He is in his early twenties. He graduates— leaves Neil behind, and the irony is lost to him.

 _It’s only a year,_ he thinks quietly to himself at his graduation.

Neil says the same thing, but with a private smile for only the two of them, the edges of his blue blue eyes softening with something more somber. Andrew signs with a pro team. Neil pretends not to care, but he’s happy.

 

Andrew tried to break up with him.

They were on the roof (of course they were), and Andrew’s belongings were already at the house in Columbia.

“We should end this,” was all he said, cigarette held loosely in his right hand, his stare intense on a building in the distance to keep him from looking at Neil as he spoke.

Andrew felt rather than saw Neil freeze in place. He didn’t look at Andrew.

There was a tense silence, breaking its way through Andrew’s skin and licking at his bones, forcing him to hold back a shiver.

When Neil spoke, it was barely a whisper.

“Why?”

Andrew could feel Neil looking at him now— knew without seeing that Neil was making that worried face. Worried if he did something wrong along the way, maybe, or worried about Andrew.

Both options made Andrew’s stomach knot and his throat burn.

 _It isn’t you,_ he wanted to say.

“Does it matter?” Andrew asked instead, voice quiet but steady. “I want to stop.”

Andrew finally looked at Neil then, his face carefully blank. Neil’s hardly contained distress was palpable even though Andrew knew Neil didn’t want to show it. For Andrew’s own sake, he was sure, and Andrew felt heavy stones of guilt weighing on his chest at the thought. Neil’s lips were pressed hard together, but his teeth chattered silently, only given away by the hardly there shake of his jaw.

It was a compulsive habit of Neil’s that only showed itself when he was getting increasingly anxious.

For a moment, Andrew’s thoughts flitted to a stale memory, clear despite the passage of time. It was a memory of Drake’s breath, hot on his cheek, and the virulent cadence of his voice in Andrew’s ear. _It needs to hurt for some people to get the point._

Andrew flexed his jaw at the recollection, his blood burning.

Andrew knew Drake was right, and he hated himself for it. Andrew was going to hurt Neil, and he _hated_ himself for it.

He crushed the filter of his cigarette when he clenched his fists, flicking it off the roof and breathing in slowly.

“Can you at least tell me why?” Neil spoke again, tearing Andrew from his thoughts only briefly. His voice was far too small and it was Andrew’s fault.

Andrew was angry— he was absolutely _furious_ , but it wasn’t at Neil. It _couldn’t_ be. Something fiery and stinging ached through his veins with every beat of his heart at the look on Neil’s face, and Andrew wanted desperately for it to be anger, but it wasn’t. Not with Neil. Regret had already begun clawing its way down Andrew’s throat and into his stomach, pushing against his ribs and threatening to tear his chest wide open.

He steeled himself and held Neil’s eyes.

“It’s a _no_ , Neil,” he snarled, using his own detest at himself as a scapegoat to lash out. “It’s a no now, and it will be a no for the rest of our lives.”

Neil flinched and Andrew wanted to throw himself off of the roof, right then.

He could’ve stopped, he knew, but Andrew kept going, his voice hard and seething.

“You should’ve seen it coming. This was nothing, and if it was anything at all, it sure as hell wasn’t anything permanent. Call it a college fling, I don’t fucking care, but whatever you think we are? Kill that idea. It was only a waste of fucking time.”

 _Here’s your chance at someone better for you_ , he thought, but didn’t say.

 _It’s my own fault. I feel suffocated by the idea of unconditional,_ he thought, but didn’t say.

_The possibility of possession means nothing but the certainty of loss. This is it, this is it, this is it._

Andrew blinked, and Neil’s expression had shifted. His jaw was steady, his eyes determined, and his hands fisted at his sides.

 _Good,_ Andrew thought, even though it killed him. _He’s hurt, he’s angry, he can use that hate to heal out of spite._

“Andrew Minyard,” Neil started, accusing and livid and something else Andrew couldn’t quite place. “I don’t know what you’re telling yourself in that _stupid fucking_ head of yours, but you will _not_ get rid of me that easily after nearly half a decade of this.”

Neil's gaze softened for a moment as the tension slowly seeped out of his shoulders. "It's been four years I never thought I'd get, Andrew. You know what that means to me. You know what  _you_ mean to me."

Andrew couldn’t hide the surprise that flickered across his expression at that, at how Neil could say it so easily, even if it _had_ been four years. Neil continued before Andrew could speak, the open determination laid bare again.

“It’s a no now. That’s fine. But I am not so stupid that I can’t tell when you’re lying. It’s a sickening look on you, and I don’t want to see it again. It will not be a no forever and you know this, and I’m only saying so because I _know_ you know this.” Neil had stood up at some point and he was now looking down at Andrew with a fire in his eyes. Andrew was transfixed.

“I’m leaving, because you told me to— tried to make me, but this is not the last you will see of me. I’ll graduate, and I’ll find you again.”

 _Is that a threat or a promise?_ Andrew thought, the edges of an almost-gone hope curling into him.

“You will not run from this, Andrew. You didn’t let me, and I won’t let you.” Neil huffed when Andrew just stared at him, his throat too dry to rasp out a response— something, anything.

Andrew watched with burning eyes as Neil walked through the door and away from the roof. Away from him.

He didn’t know how long he stared at the door, but when it didn’t open again, he slowly turned back to look out at the horizon, lighting a cigarette.

Andrew knew, deep down, that it would be better for Neil if he didn’t wait for him. Still— Andrew couldn’t help but want him to.

 

* * *

 

 

It ends like this: Andrew’s first season since going pro has just ended. He tolerates his team; not because he doesn’t mind them, but because there is no one for him to protect here and they are easier to ignore.

Andrew is surviving just fine, even though there is a hole in him that he refuses to touch because he knows there is only one thing that will ever fit there. He tries not to think about what Neil promised when Andrew graduated.

Andrew is not doing better, but he is not doing worse.

 _Better_ has never been a permanent home for him, and he tells himself at least once a week that he is ready to heal.

And he does, until he doesn’t. He heals like a headache. It's there, and you can either let it ache and ache and ache, or you can take painkillers and feel better, just for a moment.

The headache always comes back though, eventually.

 

He was walking out of the court to the parking lot when he saw him.

Neil Josten was leaning against Andrew’s car like he was always meant to be there, and maybe he was. A grin lit up his face the moment his eyes fell on Andrew, like the last thing Neil heard out of his mouth wasn’t that he was a waste of time. Andrew’s stomach lurched at the thought, but his heart fluttered at Neil's smile.

He meant to stop walking, meant to stay away, but Andrew’s legs kept pushing him forward, back to Neil.

For once, two feet away from Neil after a long, long year, Andrew didn’t know what kind of expression he was making. He watched Neil’s eyes soften at the sight though, so it was likely safe to assume every sentiment from that day on the roof, every moment Andrew longed for Neil, was right there in his eyes, plain as day to Neil.

“I told you I’d still find you.”

  
_Better_ had never been a permanent home for Andrew, and he didn’t know if it ever would be, but as long as he was okay, even for a moment, he would grip that feeling like a lifeline and continue.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [theworstworry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theworstworry/profile) this is probably not quite what you meant in your comment (blame that on me being dense & only latching onto fragments of sentences) but i hope you still like it!  
>  i had a whirlwind of emotions while writing this one, guys. some of the text is actually directly lifted from my poetry book with minor alterations because, like andrew, i am trying and trying to recover & i am also a frequent haver of nightmares (which is code for ptsd flashbacks).  
> enough about my problems- if you enjoyed reading, feel free to leave a comment, and if you noticed any errors, please let me know!


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